No trying, just doing!

useless

2012-02-08T12:23:00.000-08:00

I am no longer a useful, productive member of society. I got fired last Tuesday for superflous reasons, the same as the other 3 that got fired. Really the oil company just wasn't making any money so they needed to save some somewhere. If I get approved for unemployment it won't come in until March. I do have another job, but it won't start until after my CORI check comes back. It's working with children with developmental disabilities. It won't start until next week or the week after.

Anyway, I've spent all my time since last Tuesday eating, gambling, smoking and sleeping. Oh and hanging out with friends. I've lost about 850-900 at the casino. I can't go back there. I have a gambling problem clearly. I don't have the money to be spending there and can't believe I've lost that much. I have about 1000.00 left to my name and I have to pay bills and rent with that. I'm so fucking stupid. I've turned from God and turned to my own devices which never does me any good. Please God help me. Help me to be productive again and to follow your will for me. Please help me to stop gambling and eating like I have been. Please help. I'm lost.

Whoa anger (will be cursing)

2012-02-02T08:27:00.001-08:00

Some companies will treat you like family if you work for them. Other companies will treat you like crap. Still other companies will say you are like family and treat you like family and then COMPLETELY fucking screw you over. That's my former job, that last one there. The one that fired me and three other people on Tuesday with very flimsy excuses. I'm assuming the actual reason was that the winter has been so warm and they aren't making any money (being a heating oil company) so they needed to cut back somewhere. I won't name names here because I don't want this blog coming up on a google search but I am so damn angry at them for doing this. So what I really want to say is FUCK YOU P oil. I hope you go out of fucking business. You fucked me over and I was one of your best workers. Thanks for nothing.
Now onto the good news. I have another job that I'll be starting soon. I'll be working with kids with developmental disabilities. A great schedule and lots of opportunity for overtime and they do tuition reimbursement so I can go back for my masters.
Working on letting go of all the anger.

Final weight

2011-12-20T14:40:00.001-08:00

My starting weight for this challenge was 427.2 lbs. My final weight is 408.4 lbs. .6 lbs down from last week. Total weight loss 18.8 lbs. Not bad at all.

Check in

2011-12-12T07:34:00.001-08:00

Sorry I haven't checked in for two weeks. I've been weighing myself just not posting. I just weighed in at 409 which is less than accurate because I ate and drank stuff before weighing. Usually I don't. It's the same as I weighed last week. But down some from two weeks ago. I haven't been trying. Been eating a lot of fast food. I picked up some things at the grocery store yesterday and I'm going to try no fast food this week. Also I've quit smoking again. I'm using the gum and a support system. I'm on day 3. It's going to be hard but if I keep my eyes on God I can do it.

Checking in.

2011-11-22T05:01:00.001-08:00

My weight this week was 414 for a loss of 5lbs. Woo hoo. Still not really doing much except not Bingeing but that's ok. Eating moderately is a big step for me. Im not going to make the 5 percent loss for the work contest. It's funny. I weigh in on the same scale for both this and that. For this challenge I weigh on Monday and for that on Wednesday. My weigh ins are drastically different between the two days. I usually weigh a lot less on wednesday than I do on Monday. It's weird. I'm weighing at the same time of day too. Oh well it's a mystery.

Alright ya'll here I am

2011-11-14T13:10:00.001-08:00

First of all. Sorry I avoided you last week. I was in my negative place. I have good news and bad news on two counts.
First good: I lost 3.4 lbs
Bad: I don't really deserve it. I haven't been working hard I've just been eating more moderately. I'm eating crap half the time but in a moderate way

Second good: I have a life. I reconnected with some old friends this weekend and I don't have to be lonely anymore.
Bad: I have a crush on one of them and I'm afraid of being crushed by my crush. Not that I ever intend to tell him if he doesn't make a move first but still. I'm full of angst about whether he could ever like me at this size. I'm also very giddy. I'm afraid I'm going to crash hard. Anyway that is what's going on with me.

Check in.

2011-10-31T18:05:00.001-07:00

I weigh 422.4 today. That is down 1.2 lbs from two weeks ago. That isn't good. I know it's because I've been eating crap for the last 3 days since I came home. I've binges and eaten fast food and today I ate candy and a cupcake and cookie and fudge. A lot of candy. Maybe ten or twelve pieces. I'm very disappointed in myself. I did give the rest of my candy away. Not much else to say really. I haven't been doing the work so I'm not seeing the results.

Christmas dress challenge

2011-10-24T13:21:00.000-07:00

I don't have a weigh in this week because I'm in Maine at my parents house and they don't have a scale that will weigh me. I'll be able to weigh in next Monday. I'm feeling thinner. I haven't been overeating like I could, though my portions st dinner have been bigger than necessary. My dad is a really good cook. When I'm on my own I do ok portions wise though.
The other night my dad upset me when I said I was going to have a 100 calorie vitatop for dessert. He said "You'll feel better if you don't" I HATE FOOD POLICE. And I told him that I don't need food police. He is also morbidly obese, though not as much as me and he eats stuff all the time. He bought fig bars from the bakery and ate them. He says it's his business because he's not as bad off as me and I'm at a critical stage. I tried to explain that being able to eat what I want in moderation is what keeps me from bingeing, but he didn't really get it. I get that my parents are worried about me, I'm worried about me too. But when I stick to what I'm doing, then it works. Maybe not as fast as if I was on an all protien and vegetables diet, but it works.
Had a fight with my stepmother yesterday because I wasn't doing things as fast as she was. She does the dishes every morning and the laundry as soon as there is enough, she refills the dogs water bowls before they empty and I just wasn't doing things the way she does them. It got very emotional and I didn't eat over it. Though I really wanted to.

I just had my first egg nog of the season and IT WAS AWESOME. I absolutely love egg nog and they had it in this individual sized bottle so I bought it. Not something I should do often because very bad for you, but an occasional treat.

So....I downloaded a christian dating app for my phone. and I joined christianmingle.com It's a dating site, obviously for Christians. I'm kind of nervous. I sent out some smiles today. I have a few pictures on there. One from christmas a few years ago and then two from today that I took with the webcam. The one from a few years ago I'm much thinner than I am now and I look really good. It makes me wish I could have hung onto it. Anyway, I'm lonely and I can't wait until I lose all of my weight to try and meet someone. But I'm still very nervous about it, will have to take things VERY slowly. Anyway, I hope you all did well. I'm sorry I don't comment much, I'm more of a lurker.

What do I say?

2011-10-17T18:43:00.001-07:00

Have you ever heard the Reba McIntyre song "what do you say". There is a good line in it that goes "what do you say in a moment like this, when you can't find the words to tell it like it is" thats how I feel right now. What do you say when someone you love tells you that they got drunk and hit themselves in the head with glass bottles until there was glass and blood all over the room. He has a mental illness that just makes him do crazy things like hit things and hurt himself. He also has a drinking problem. He needs help and I'm just too far away. Nevermind that I don't have that kind of training to really help him. It makes me incredibly sad and upset.

Oh and checking in for the Christmas dress challenge. I exercised 2 x last week which is more than I've done in months so Yay me! My eating was ok until Thursday when they had chips and dip at work and I went off the rails until yesterday. this les to a gain of 2.4 lbs. Weight 423.6. Disappointing but not unexpected. This is a new week. I won't be able to weigh in next week because I'm going away. But I will still check in with how I'm doing.

Slippery slope

2011-10-13T19:10:00.001-07:00

Ah my friends it is a slippery slope and a quick trip from chips and dip and pizza to fast food. I walked out of walmart tonight and all I wanted was a small ice cold coca cola from McDonalds because everyone knows they have the best coke and if you say they don't you are a liar or you have never had one. Anyway I got in the drive through line and ordered a small coke and a double cheeseburger. It can never JUST be a soda at Mcdonalds and i know that. All in all still not a terrible thing. It wasn't a binge but the way things went today a binge isn't far away. It's time for me to straighten up and fly right. They are having a potluck at work tomorrow. I'm bringing a chocolate cheese cake sampler. But I won't be sampling it. Not any of it because I've indulged enough this week. So I'm just going to pack my lunch tomorrow and eat my cereal and do what I need to do to be the me I want to be.

A slip but no fall

2011-10-13T13:06:00.001-07:00

Here is what I've eaten so far today

B-bowl of cereal approx 7:30
S-banana. Square of pizza 10:30
S-veggies and dip, tortilla chips and dip. Small bowls of each 1:45
L-square of pizza, ham and cheese sandwich, pretzels, yogurt, green beans. 3:00

The pizza and veggies were ok but the chips and dip were unnecessary. I'm not going to beat myself up. I'm going to move on from here. Therapy was good this morning except I have to go get blood work done because I've developed a strange side effect to one of my medications that's hormone related and they are probably going to change my meds which makes me nervous because I'm doing well now. What is the side effect you ask? Well.....,um......I've started....... Lactating. Just a little which is more weird than upsetting but it can indicate some bad hormonal stuff. Apparently. Anyway that may have been tmi. Sorry. Til later.

Ode to pizza

2011-10-12T16:39:00.001-07:00

Oh pizza from that place we order from at work, you are so delicious I can never deny you.

Except I can and I will because since last Wednesday I have lost 7 lbs as of this morning. Then this jerk that works in my office says that it's all water weight. I told him to shut up. Way to devalue me asshole. I have to deal with enough of that crap from inside my head, I don't need it from outside. So anyway, rant done. Back to the pizza. I really wanted a slice so I had one for my mid day snack. It's been calling to me all day though and is still calling me from the kitchen. I'm here all alone and nobody would know and I'm kind of hungry. But I would know. And I'm trying really hard not to play those games anymore. So here is what I ate today. Seems like alot.

B-sausage breakfast bowl and a coffee with powdered flavored creamer
S-square of Hawaiian pizza
L-ham and cheese sandwich, 100 calorie cottage cheese, pretzels, green beans, banana, orange
S-two small oatmeal chocolate chip cookies
S(haven't eaten yet) bowl of sugar free ice cream.

Big Lunch

2011-10-11T14:10:00.001-07:00

I had a big lunch today. I had a ham and cheese sandwich. A handful of sun chips. An orange, a yogurt and 2 scoops of chocolate ice cream with whipped cream. For breakfast I had a bowl of cereal(normal sized) and a banana. I also had 2 cups of coffee with flavored powdered creamer. Since my lunch counts for both lunch and dinner I'm not too fussed about it. I feel pretty good about it actually. Though it is not a good idea to weigh in after you eat. Oh oh I also had a bowl of frozen green beans with lunch. Just trying to get those veggies in. I'll skip the ice cream at home tonight because I already had some. Going to the gym tonight. Going to watch some more lost and see how long I can go on the elliptical.
The meeting at work went ok today. Basically the GM told me that they are looking for someone who is really into retention to do the list I was doing and that is not me. I did not get the feeling that my job is in jeopardy though so that is good. I will be focusing on pricing. It's funny because my bible study last night was about employee-employer relationships and it said that an employee exists to make their supervisor's life easier. I can totally do that.
I weigh in tomorrow for the work competition. Judging from today's pre-lunch weight it will be good. Talk to you later.

Lauren

Insecurity

2011-10-10T19:08:00.001-07:00

I went to the gym today after work. I did 5 minutes on the elliptical and 15 minutes on the bike. The fact that I have Netflix on my phone and watched Lost while I was on the bike made the time pass more quickly. I'll have to do that every time. After that I was talking to my brother on the phone. He's very no nonsense and a good listener though he likes to give advice. I told him about my weight loss and the quitting smoking and the gym and giving up fast food and saving money and he was really proud of me. Then I started talking about work. I've been feeling really insecure at work lately and I don't just let it simmer, I'm constantly looking for reassurance, asking questions like "are you upset with me?" or " am I in danger of getting fired?". Compulsively needing to ask these questions. I apologized to the general manager for letting her down with the gas list. She said we would have a one on one about it tomorrow. GULP! It may be that I need to get my meds tweaked. But I also think it is because I know I'm slacking off and not giving 100%. Especially when I'm the only one there. Well the only thing I can do about this is to do better. To go in tomorrow and have my one on one with the GM and my meeting with my supervisors about the list and then bust my ass to keep on proving that I'm someone that they need. Oh and talk to my therapist about all of this on Thursday. I am proud about the gym though.

Decorated my cube

2011-10-10T11:57:00.001-07:00

We are having a decorating contest at work on the 31st. What do you think?

Food everywhere

2011-10-10T11:20:00.001-07:00

Can you read this? It's customer service appreciation week at work and every day has different food attached. Monday: hamburgers chips and milkshakes. I will have one cheeseburger at lunchtime.
Tuesday: ice cream sundaes. I'll pass. Wednesday: pizza. Definitely pass. Thursday: veggies and dip and chips and salsa. The veggies are fine. Friday is a potluck. I'm going to pack a lunch and then if I don't feel like I can control myself with the foods offered I will just eat my packed lunch in another room. This is the most under control that I've felt in a long time. I like it! I've got my gym clothes in the car for after work. Let's do this! Here is my food for today.

B- bowl of cereal and a banana. Cup of coffee with powdered flavored creamer
S- 100 calorie cottage cheese with pineapple
L- Cheeseburger, pretzels and an orange
S- 2 small chocolate chip cookies
S- bowl of sugar free ice cream.

Also I appreciate the comments and suggestions but right now the not depriving myself is actually working for me and I feel really good about it and really motivated. You are right though. I do need to add more vegetables. So I'll definitely work on this.

Christmas Dress Check in

2011-10-09T12:21:00.000-07:00

Can I just say. HOLY COW. I lost 4 lbs. FOUR POUNDS. 421.2 lbs, total of 6 lbs lost for this challenge and 18.8 lbs lost total from my highest weight of 440 lbs

And that was with eating the wrong way on Monday and Tuesday. What a difference just a few days makes. I have to weigh in again sometime this week for the work Ipad challenge. This is really encouraging. I still haven't been exercising but I think I've come up with the solution to that. I'm not going to try and get up early to go anymore. I'm going to bring my workout clothes with me and go after work. I think I'll be a lot more productive that way. So far today I've eaten.

B- Bowl of cereal (a normal sized one)
S- 2 donut holes. Cup of coffee
L- Egg Salad Sandwich
Early dinner - Zatarains frozen meal (rice,beans,sausage)
I also got a coke.

The coke and egg salad sandwich came from a cumberland farms. a convenience store. I'm not proud of it, but it could have been much worse. I ate an early dinner because I've got bible study tonight. I feel very ok with what I've eaten today. My usual MO when it comes to going to bible study is to leave an hour early and go get a large amount of food from McDonalds and eat it in the church parking lot in the car. This whole weekend has been much better than usual. I know that I'm not doing this by myself, God is doing it. I don't have the power to do it on my own. I'm so grateful because I'm doing this all at the same time. I've quit smoking, I've given up fast food and wasting money. I'm eating reasonably. These are all big changes for me. And I'm doing it all without any major mood swings. If that isn't supernatural then I don't know what is.

I just tried on my goal jeans and there is a long way to go. I can get the back over my butt mostly but I can't get them over my belly. It may not be doable in the next three months. But I'm sure as heck going to try.

Not a binge in sight

2011-10-08T16:01:00.001-07:00

Today was the first Saturday in quite a while that I spent by myself and didn't have a food fest. It feels good. I may have gotten a rocky start and I may not have exercised but I'm confident that I am going to see a loss tomorrow and not a small one if the scale at work is any indication. Thank you God because it is only by your grace that I am here and doing this. I also decided that buying myself a coffee on saturdays is a nice treat for myself but only one coffee. No fast food! I had a weird day today. I didnt get hungry. I ate but only because I knew I was supposed to. Here is what I had.

B- ham breakfast bowl. Large pumpkin iced coffee with extra milk
S- two oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. Small ones.
L- ham and cheese sandwich on whole wheat bread. Handful of pretzels
S- dish of ice cream.

Busted my budget

2011-10-07T18:45:00.001-07:00

I just spent $85.00 at super Walmart...on groceries. Hmmm ok and Halloween decorations and candy for trick or treating at work. But mostly groceries. The only "bad" thing I bought was cookies. I got cereal and milk and frozen breakfast and a few frozen dinners for the weekend. I bought stuff to make ham and cheese sandwiches and pretzels, apples and oranges, yogurt, cottage cheese and ice cream...sugar free so it isn't "bad". I bought the cookies because I like a little something sweet late in the day at work and the ice cream because I like to have something at night. I also found peppermint mocha flavored powdered creamer and I'm super excited. I love the stuff in the liquid form and it's hard to find. Also got some sugar free drink mixes for when I get sick of water flavored water. Hopefully the cereal will last me a couple of weeks and the fruit and pretzels. I got two of each. Anyway I know that I would have easily wasted that money on fast food and coffee. Or cigarettes or just crap. So I feel ok that it went to Halloween stuff and a good amount of groceries. Don't worry. The Halloween candy is going into a safe place at work. I'm going to ask someone else to hold it for me so I don't get tempted. Here is my food from today.

B- sausage breakfast bowl, coffee with flavored creamer
S- maple brown sugar oatmeal packet
L- 4 oz caramel greek yogurt, pot roast with potatoes and carrots
S- 1 chocolate chip cookie

I made it

2011-10-06T17:59:00.001-07:00

I made it through the whole day without spending any money. It was wayyyy harder than I thought it would be. From the moment I left the house my debit card was just calling me. It didn't really matter what I bought just as long as I spent money on something to eat or drink from a fast food place. Not helpful living spitting distance from a dunkin donuts. Not even exaggerating their drive through is connected to my driveway by a wall. It's official. I am addicted to food, but not just food, to instant gratification. I want it and I want it now and I don't care if that money is budgeted for something else. Not spending money feels just like quitting smoking. I know it's the grown up thing to do and it's what is best for me but until I get used to this new lifestyle it's going to suck for a while. Oh yeah food was good today.

B- sausage and gravy breakfast bowl. Work coffee with flavored creamer.
S- oatmeal packet
L- pot roast with potato and carrots
S- packet of cream cheese and chives crackers.

Definitely have to go grocery shopping tomorrow night.

Tears streaming down my face

2011-10-05T18:08:00.001-07:00

Ok not really but all day I felt like they were going to. Going into work I felt run down emotionally and physically. Then at work I found out that they had taken away my project. Last year they gave me a project where I was in charge of the gas list. That is the people converting from oil to gas. I have to send them a pro oil packet and follow up with them to try to save them. Well last week it came to their attention that maybe I wasn't as thorough as I needed to be but instead of talking to me about it they just took it away. Mind you I hate HATE being in charge of this list and I've told them so but it really bums me out that it was taken away because I was making mistakes and not because I requested for them to give it to someone else. It makes me look bad you know? I really strive to be ms reliable At work and mostly I succeed. They are always telling me how much they rely on
Me when they have something that needs to get done. After I found out all the negative tapes started playing in my head about how I'm useless and they aren't going to think highly of me anymore and how I'm not competent. It was a really rough day. I have 3 bible quotes memorized so I was going over those in my head and that helped a little. Also I went and got a large hot chocolate which wasn't the healthiest choice but was very soothing. Anyway I know I haven't been posting my food. This is what I had today.

B- large pumpkin iced coffee with extra milk. Turkey sausage egg white flatbread from dd and an order of their hash browns
L- shepherds pie, a banana and a light yogurt.
S- 2 packages of cream cheese and chive crackers and large hot chocolate.

I also have a goal for the rest of this challenge. I will not buy any more fast food. This includes drinks from fast food places and convenience stores unless it's water. This is my solemn vow.

Mediocre

2011-10-03T06:37:00.001-07:00

I have just locked my keys in the car for the second time in a week. Thank goodness for AAA but it makes me feel stupid. Anyway here is my check in for the Christmas dress challenge. I lost 1.6 lbs. My new weight is 425.2 lbs. Honestly I didn't do much this week. The best I can say is that I didn't binge. I also didn't consistently log my food or exercise at all. I did consistently read my bible.
Oh I have new motivation. They are having a weight loss competition at work. If I lose 5% of my body weight in 8 weeks ( roughly 21 lbs). Then I get entered into a drawing for a chance to win an iPad. If I keep the weight off until January 3rd then I will be entered into a drawing for 1 of 4 iPads. Cool huh? Anyway my goals for this week are

1. To pray every day.
2. To exercise 3 times.
3. To be more consistent with writing my food on my blog.

9/28/11

2011-09-28T09:26:00.001-07:00

Food was good yesterday. Stress level high due to no cigarettes and no overeating and mean customers but I made it through. Officially over a week no smoking. Food for today.

B- Turk sausage flat and hashbrowns from dd. Large pumpkin iced with milk.
L- cheesy mexican chicken, yogurt, banana
S- cream cheese and chives crackers, oatmeal, cup of ice cream.

9/27/11

2011-09-27T03:55:00.001-07:00

Food for yesterday was on plan. Still no smoking though yesterday was hard. Work sucked. People can be so nasty on the phones sometimes and not being a jerk myself I just don't understand it. Food for today.

B- walmart breakfast bowl and banana
L- cheesy Mexican chicken, yogurt and nectarine
S- cheeze its and oatmeal.

Christmas Dress Challenge check in. Week One

2011-09-25T12:47:00.000-07:00

Week One, not a total fiasco, though near fiasco would be a good term. The food has been really off for the last couple of days and I didn't exercise at all. But I've got a major non scale victory to report. In 5 and a half hours it will have been 5 days since I quit smoking. Haven't had a single one. I almost slipped but the girl I asked didn't have any, so that was good. So anyway, to the scale. I weighed in this morning instead of tomorrow because the only scale around that will weigh me is at church so that is when I weigh myself, Sunday mornings before church. I managed to lose .4 lbs for a weight of 426.8 lbs. This week will be better, I just know it.

In the bible study book that I'm doing (health and wellness related bible study) it's talking about how hope without action is not going to get it done. That's what I've been doing. I've been hoping and praying and hoping and praying that I would lose weight, that I would become willing and I haven't actually been doing anything besides that. I've been eating whatever I want and not exercising and surprise, surprise, not much is happening.

This challenge isn't just about fitting into my jeans for me, it's about a life change, a real one, a permanent one that will get me where I want to be. So I'm going to be setting non-weight goals as well because this stool has three legs. Emotional, Physical, and Spiritual, and if any of them are short I will topple off. I stole that from OA I think. lol. So here are my goals.

1. Plan what I am going to eat (and stick to it)
2. Get some form of exercise 3 days this week.
3. Do my bible study and prayer journal every day.
4. Clean something every day, even if it's just one little thing, one dish, anything at all.
5. Try to think of others more and not myself so much. I'm pretty self involved.

I think 5 is enough for now. I'm feeling really good about this week.

Food for tomorrow.

Breakfast - Breakfast Hot Pocket and a banana, Cup of coffee with cinnamon bun flavored creamer.
Lunch - Cheesy salsa chicken with black beans and a cup of brown rice. Yogurt, Nectarine.
Snacks - Oatmeal, Packet of Cheeze-its and 2 fudgecicles.

Bad pizza

2011-09-23T16:27:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was ok food-wise but today was a nightmare. I had a reasonable breakfast and had gotten a free six inch sub from subway with chips for lunch and then I came to work and my plans were foiled. They had ordered in pizza. The most delicious pizza I've ever had. It's rectangular pizza cut into 2 *4 squares. I had two pieces between breakfast and lunch and told myself that was ok because they are small and that was enough. But then lunch came and my lunch is late because of my shift so I was all alone with the pizza and I ate 7 more pieces plus my sandwich and chips plus two short candy bars that a coworker gave me because I've been jonesing for chocolate since I quit smoking. Even if I figure that the pizza was my dinner I over ate by like 4 slices. Now I just feel sick and ashamed. Sigh.
Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who can do things in the best and most efficient way. I think that is bad. It makes me take things onto my shoulders that are not my responsibility. Also how arrogant am I? I'm not the only capable person on earth. Please God help me to be humble. Praise God btw. 70+ hours no smoking.

So hard

2011-09-22T05:36:00.001-07:00

Yesterday my food was fine. I did have two extra fudgecicles at the end of the day but I quit smoking yesterday and they are only 40 calories each so I'm ok with that. I feel like every moment is a battle. I'm mentally exhausted from trying not to smoke, eat, or spend money. Anyway God is my pilot and I will keep on keeping on. My food for today.

B- bacon egg and cheese and potato breakfast bowl. Large iced pumpkin coffee with milk.
L- pot roast, yogurt, tomatoes
S- oatmeal, cheeze its 1 pack and 2 fudgecicles

9/20/11

2011-09-20T06:54:00.001-07:00

I didn't stick to my food plan yesterday perfectly but neither did I go on a food bender so I'm feeling ok about it. Didn't exercise either. Feeling guilty about that. Why can't I follow through with the promises that I make to myself? Anyway, here is my food for today.

B-turk sausage flatbread with hashbrowns from dd. Also large iced coffee pumpkin flavored with extra milk.
L- shepherds pie, grape tomatoes, yogurt.
Snacks - cheese its 1 pack. Oatmeal, 2 fudgecicles

Christmas Dress Challenge

2011-09-18T17:51:00.000-07:00

I'm doing a challenge over at Thursday's Child. It starts tomorrow. My starting weight as of today is 427.2 which is 1.6 lbs down from last week. I've got a few goals for this challenge.

1st Goal. To fit into my biggest pair of jeans. Thsese are a size 32/34 US Size.

2nd goal. To exercise 3 times a week at least.

3rd goal. To get below 400 lbs.

4th goal. To plan out my food ahead of time most days so that I'm not tempted to go off plan.

In that spirit I'm going to post my food for tomorrow here in this post and I'm planning to get up and go for a walk tomorrow morning.

Breakfast - Bacon egg and cheese breakfast bowl from walmart and a tomato
Lunch - shepherds pie and a yogurt.
snack - pack of cheese its, 2 fudgecicles, packet of oatmeal.

Eat that pain away!

2011-09-11T17:26:00.000-07:00

I'm in pain. I'm not sure when it started or why, but I'm in some seriously deep emotional pain that I've been trying without success to eat away for the last week at least. I've gained another 1.8 lbs putting me at a total of 428.8 lbs. I can't think, I can't breathe. All I can do is watch tv and eat. I don't even know why. I've been eating like a crazy person for the last week. Before that I would eat out and eat too much, but for the last week it's been really bad. Oh and I haven't had a cigarette in 72 hours. That isn't helping. But I can't continue to live like this anymore and so I'm trying to make whatever changes I can. I almost bought some blond hair dye tonight. I could not pull off pure blond, highlights maybe, but not total blond. Yet I almost did it, just to do something different, just to feel alive again instead of just a dull nagging pain and nothing else. I just wish I knew why. Please God help me know why and change me. I don't want to live this way anymore. Please help me.

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, it's always tomorrow

2011-09-04T14:11:00.000-07:00

Ah....it's time for a fresh start again. I haven't been doing that well. Although I had two good days this past week where I ate right and I exercised, which is more days then I had last week, so I suppose its an improvement. There is growth, she can be taught. I have gained a bit of weight. 3.7 lbs since June, which again is not that bad, I can totally overcome this. And I will, no matter how long it takes I will beat my demons. Because I have God on my side I can do anything.

In other news, I just got netflix, I've watched two episodes of Lost so far and now I'm watching a Dane Cook special. he's really not all that funny, I think I'm going to delete this one. Has anyone else watched the show heavy? I've heard it's good so I put it in my instant queue. Ok clearly I'm just babbling without anything useful to say, I'm out.

Pretty nails

2011-09-04T13:55:00.001-07:00

Just a whim today

Donut....do not?

2011-09-01T13:02:00.001-07:00

I just had a Boston cream donut. It was deeeeelicious. And well within my calories for the day. I'm pleased with the decision. A no guilt donut imagine that. 310 calories worth of fabulous. The computers are down again at work. Monday we didn't work because there was no power due to the hurricane. Yesterday they sent us home 3 hours early because the computers were down. If it happens again today it's going to be a pretty skint check next week. Thank goodness and God for 5 weeks in September or at least 5 checks.

Reckless

2011-08-31T17:52:00.001-07:00

Last week I ate recklessly. I ate whatever I wanted in whatever amounts I wanted whenever I wanted. This was not good for me physically or emotionally. All through hurricane Irene I ate and ate. I'm back on the wagon today though. Actually I got back on the wagon yesterday with the food but today I actually walked which I haven't done in ages. Feels painful but good. I have therapy tomorrow which is a good thing. I haven't been depressed I don't think. Just disappointed in myself. My therapy homework from last time was to write out reasons I want to lose weight on an index card that I can carry around with me. Some were easy to write like "I want to go to the theater and fit in the seats.". Others were more painful like "I want to be beautiful" and "I want to have children". You see because I don't get my period at all now and this may or may not be related to my weight. I don't know how my body is being affected really, I just know that it's not working right and I'm worried that it never will. Anyway enough of the rambling. What are your reasons?

So so.

2011-08-22T16:58:00.001-07:00

My food hasn't been going that great but on the plus side I'm feeling pretty good about things right now. Hopeful you know? Like I know I can do this weight loss thing and the quitting smoking thing because I have God on my side. I've managed to put a little money away. For emergencies and stuff. I paid my bills for the month and I paid my sister back the money I owed her. I'm not going to the Kenny chesney concert this weekend which is good because I couldn't have afforded parking and food and stuff anyway. Instead I'm picking up some more overtime and babysitting my niece while my sister goes with her friend. And my sister has Netflix on her wii which is cool.

Jamie just sent me a long message asking for advice. He's back in a situation where he might overstay his visa and he doesn't have the proper documents to get a work visa yet and he owed a bunch of people money so he only has 200.00 to last the month because he paid them back and his boss is deducting from his pay because he doesn't have a work visa yet. Now in the past I would have sent him the 300.00 I've managed to save or worse I would have charged it to my credit card to send to him, but I'm not doing it this time. I need that money too and even though it is physically paining me I am not sending him any money. My advice was to stop borrowing money to go out drinking and to be extra nice to his boss and to pray that his documents get there before his visa runs out. That's all I can do.

Anyway work is over. Talk to y'all later.

Foiled again

2011-08-16T17:47:00.001-07:00

Junk food you have won this battle, specifically Mcdonalds, you have beaten me into submission once again. However you have not one the war and you will not because I wll keep fighting until the good Lord comes to take me home. That's right! I have God on my side and so you cannot win. Because good always triumphs over evil in my world.

So my food hasn't been great today or recently. I didn't binge today which is a win but I did make some poor choices. I'm telling you, me having money is directly correlated to my poor eating habits. Something i am going to have to work out in therapy I guess. The good news is because I came in second in pricing performance in the whole company I won 750.00 on top of the regular incentive bonus of 326.00 on top of my retention bonus of 105.00 on top of my overtime and regular check. So I am getting a very sweet check this week Which, after rent and bills and paying my sister back and buying a bunch of groceries and gas and treating myself to a pedicure and giving to church, I should be able to put a nice chunk into savings still. I'm super excited about this.

very bad things

2011-08-14T15:29:00.000-07:00

I've been very very bad. No, that's a mistake, I haven't been very very bad, I've made some very very bad choices. I've done nothing but eat for the last two days. I think it's because I have money and having money is always a trigger for me. But also I'm lonely. I need to find better things to do with my time. This doesn't make me a bad person no matter what Satan and my inner monologue wish me to believe. My inner monologue is actually very hateful and I truly believe that it is the work of Satan trying to make me believe that I'm a bad person by making me think nasty things about myself and other people. I'm not a nasty person. I've made decisions and acted in nasty ways sometimes but I'm not a nasty person. I guess my point is that the decisions you make, the things you might think or say or do don't necessarily determine who you are or who you are going to be going forward. So my hope and my plan is to have a good week.

I weighed in today and I only gained a little bit of weight. I now weigh 425.2. I thought it was going to be much more so I'm really grateful to God that he helped me there. Anyway, that was my weekend.

Big lunch

2011-08-12T18:47:00.001-07:00

B-turkey sausage egg whit flatbread sandwich and hash brown rounds from dd
L- large subway club with sun chips and 3 oatmeal raisin cookies
S-2 fudgecicles

So I had a big lunch today but I'm not feeling bad about it. It really counted for two meals.

My apps

2011-08-11T16:44:00.001-07:00

To answer a question I use Blogger+ for my blogging app and palringo for my messaging app. Now for today's food.

B-lean pocket and banana
S-packet of oatmeal
L-brown rice. Two fish fillets and sugar snap peas
S- bagel
S- 2 fudgecicles

Also to address another question. The reason I don't have a real dinner is because my lunch break is between 3 and 4 in the afternoon and I don't want to be eating a regular meal that late. Though I must concede that my snack choices could be better.

Oh man we're in trouble now!

2011-08-11T11:47:00.001-07:00

I just downloaded a new blog app. I actually paid for this one so I can do nifty things like post photos and stuff I don't even know about yet.

In related news I am hating all photos of me. I took this one at work. Just now. I just look so damn fat. I mean I know I'm fat but I thought I looked very pretty with my hair back today and then I started taking pictures and all I can see is fat. That makes me very sad.

Today I ate.......

2011-08-10T19:10:00.001-07:00

Too much. Well it was more than I needed. Apparently I should not buy Teddy grahams again. One little packet just doesn't satisfy my snack tooth. Also I need to stay away from the popcorn popper and toppings in my office. I just can't stop with one cup so better not to have any. From what I know about the calories in what I ate today I'm sure that I still came in under but it's not something I want to fool around with. So here is what I ate.

B - lean pocket and banana
S- popcorn 2 cups
L - 2 fish fillets. 1 cup brown, sugar snap peas and a peach
S- 4 cups popcorn and two packets of Teddy grahams
S- 2 fudgecicles

For today

2011-08-09T17:44:00.001-07:00

Not much to write about today. Here is my food.

B - lean pocket, banana, cup of dry cereal
S - slim fast shake
L - 2 breaded fish fillets, 1 cup of brown rice and sugar snap peas
S - 2 packets of Teddy grahams.
S - 2 fudgecicles

Not perfect but not bad. Was feeling very peckish today. Maybe because jamie and I are fighting. Sigh

Back on the wagon

2011-08-08T18:57:00.001-07:00

After a very destructive food and drink fest this weekend I'm back on the wagon today. Here is what I ate.

Breakfast - bacon and egg lean pocket and banana

Snack - yogurt

Lunch - pot roast with potatoes and carrots and a peach

Snack - serving pouch of cinnamon Teddy grahams

Snack - 2 fudgecicles

I've decided to stay away from counting calories because it makes me nuts. If I hit a low number one day then eat more calories the next day but still stay in my range I feel bad about myself and I don't want to go there. I will be posting my food on here to maintain some accountability.

Why???

2011-08-04T17:46:00.001-07:00

Why do I do this to myself. I had an ok eating day. Not perfect but ok. Then I suddenly wanted a small chocolate shake from mcdonalds which is not a big deal. But then I wanted a double cheeseburger to go with it and then one turned into two and now I just feel greasy and sick. So I would have to say that it might be a good idea to stay away from mcdonalds for a while. I'm weak. I can admit it. I want to get back on track. I'm going to plan my food for tomorrow on here now.

Breakfast - slim fast, oatmeal and yogurt.
Lunch - pot roast with potatoes and carrots and a peach
Snack - peanut butter crackers.

This should be enough though clearly I need to restock my kitchen. Clearly to me anyways. I need to get some eggs in there for more protein.

I sometimes look around on care.com to see if there are any babysitting/pet sitting gigs open around my schedule so that I can make extra money. Well I came across one that is looking for help between 830 and 2-4 am. Four days a week. I could make some decent extra money to basically sleep. I applied. I hope I get it. Signing off for now.

Not so bad

2011-08-03T18:46:00.001-07:00

So my birthday was great. We went on a whale watch and saw tons of whales. We went on a trolley tour of Boston which was cool. We ate dinner at a pretty famous seafood restaurant on the water. And we went out and had a few drinks. Just a few. Overall I don't think I did badly food wise. I didn't make the best choices but I didn't binge either and that pattern has continued. I am counting it as a huge win that I haven't been Bingeing and that I didn't get drunk that night. Not all by choice because I probably would have gotten more drunk if I had had the time but my best friends fiancée was tired so we called it a night relatively early. I need to get back into exercising and counting my calories but until I do I will not be beating myself up because I'm doing far better than I was before I started out. I got a crock pot cookbook for my birthday and made a pot roast from it last night. I've decided to alternate meats week by week. Like this week was beef. Next week chicken. It should be an experience anyway and will get me cooking more. Bedtime now goodnight.

Still keepin on.

2011-07-24T13:44:00.000-07:00

I'm struggling. All I did yesterday was eat and I only exercised once last week. I went (halfheartedly) to weigh in this morning and was really grateful that the doors were locked. I'm not weighing in next week because I plan to drink Friday night on my birthday and why put myself in a position where I will be beating myself up. I've bought chicken and rice and fruit and slim fast for this week so I should be back on track especially because I am trying not to spend any money in anticipation of Friday. I stayed at my sister's this weekend watching my 12 year old neice (who never left her room ) and made $100.00 doing it. I would have done it for free but she offered me money and I'm not in a position right now where I can turn it down.
Same thing with my parents. In October I'm going up to maine for 2 weeks, using my work vacation time to go help my stepmother after she has hip surgery and they are paying me for the help. Again something I would have done for free but I appreciate it. Anyway, thats all for today.

The countdown begins

2011-07-20T09:59:00.001-07:00

Ok so it actually began at the beginning of the month but now it is 9 days until my 31st birthday. I plan to let loose on my birthday so there probably won't be a loss that week although I've been doing pretty well this week so this Sunday may see a loss. By next birthday I want to be at least 100lbs down. Totally achievable! It would make me around 323 lbs on my birthday. I have a dream.... That I will be thinner and more emotionally healthy and more financially stable by my birthday next year. I can do this!

Mush

2011-07-18T07:42:00.001-07:00

Today is a new day. I put rice and a chicken breast in the slow cooker last night. I thought I had more chicken than that but oh well. Unfortunately I am not crock pot savvy and I cooked it too long so the rice is all gummy and mushy and the chicken looks tough. So I get to eat gummy mush all week. Bleh. I weighed in yesterday and had gained .6 lbs. I should be grateful that it wasn't more considering. Oh well today is a new day and so far I'm on track.

Where is that damn wagon?

2011-07-15T15:57:00.001-07:00

I've not only fallen off the wagon, I've lost it. For about a week I've been being hanging from the wagon by a bootstrap banging my head against the ground and then today I let go and threw myself to the ground and rolled around on the ground for a while. Ok enough of the analogy. My eating has been out of control today after I've been slipping all week. I even did something bad. I made myself throw up after eating lunch. Not all of it came up though. I am ashamed. Somebody help!!!

Off

2011-07-11T16:31:00.001-07:00

I was doing ok until my supervisor told me to leave 4 hours early because the phones were down and I'm working on Saturday. I do well when I have a schedule like work to work my food and exercise around. I came home and ate and ate and ate. I went 345 calories over my allotment for the day. Not too bad until you consider that originally I was 900 calories UNDER goal. Also I've been smoking regularly again the last few days. I'm stressed about money. And just life. Lonely. I won't give up though. Ugh I feel I'll.

Breakfast

2011-07-10T16:48:00.000-07:00

I love breakfast. It is by far my favorite meal of the day. I love everything about it. eggs, pancakes, bacon, cheese, toast, home fries, cereal. It would be hard to find a breakfast food I don't like. Anyway, off topic. Today is weigh in day. I lost .4 lbs. I'm not surprised. I haven't been as diligent in my eating right this week as I have been previously. Also, I had a big dinner at 11 pm last night before going to bed and 2 alcoholic drinks and I haven't been keeping up with my water drinking. It's my own fault. I didn't like what I had bought to eat this week so I ate crap. I bought better stuff this week. Stuff I know I like. Today was not a good day food wise. It started with the weigh in and then I had a small Mcdonald's Frappe which I know are hella unhealthy. then I had a large breakfast. ham, mushroom and cheese omelet with home fries and white toast and bacon with two cups of coffee with cream and sugar. Then I went to the movies and had a large cherry coke and a small popcorn loaded with butter. Then I had a medium caramel swirl iced coffee with extra milk. and just recently I had a pint of ice cream. Ben and Jerry's cheesecake brownie. Which wasn't as good as I wanted it to be. the only relatively healthy thing I ate today was some watermelon as I was cutting it up for the week. Anyway, that was my day. One good thing that happened is that I got to hang out with a friend. We have next to nothing in common, but he can still make me smile and laugh and he's a good hugger. He came down last night and we had dinner, then he slept on the couch and we spent the day together today. He's a good guy. But thank God I never married him. He's my ex and he's happily married now and I'm happy for him because quite frankly I think we would have killed each other.

Off track.

2011-07-08T06:16:00.001-07:00

I'm a little off track. I haven't exercised in two days and I didn't track my food yesterday so I ended up eating whatever I wanted. It was still pretty controlled so I don't think that I was over calories. at least not by much. Anyway, I plan to go walking tonight and I will track my food today.

Bad friendship

2011-07-05T16:52:00.001-07:00

Is it possible to be a good friend but have a bad friendship? I believe that it is. My friend Jamie has debilitating OCD and I'm starting to think that talking to me might be making things worse for him. I don't know for sure. I just asked him by Facebook message and am waiting for a response. This is a situation where we care about each other very much and even though it would hurt me a lot, I would stop talking to him if it helped him. I hope that I'm wrong because thinking about him not being in my life makes me feel all twisty inside( and not in a good way). Also I'm a teensy bit in love with the guy despite the fact that he is Scottish and lives in korea( I'm totally going back some day).

In other news! I've got ten minutes left at work and my computer froze. After this I go home and cook my chicken so I have something for lunch tomorrow. Also food wasn't awesome this weekend but I'm back on track now.

Weigh in

2011-07-03T11:01:00.000-07:00

I lost 7.8 pounds in the last two weeks which is a total of 16.4 lbs in the last month. Not bad. Why am I still not proud of myself? I want it to have been more. It could have been more, probably alot more if I had been more strict in my eating and my exercising. If I hadn't had a big breakfast last Sunday or the bagel on Friday or the bagel on Saturday, or the iced coffees this week. There are endless things that I can flaggellate myself over. Including the big breakfast and big coffee I had after my weigh-in this morning. Flaggellation will only lead me to one thing. Misery and eating and misery and eating and I don't want to go there. The fact is that I've lost almost half of my first goal for myself and considering where I'm coming from before the last month, I should be damn proud and I will try hard to be.

Win!

2011-07-01T12:20:00.001-07:00

I just had a chocolate chip bagel and I feel really good about it. I looked at it and wanted it. I calculated the calories and I ate it with my lunch. I am still within my calories and when they passed out ice cream cups here at work I was able to say no thank you. Look how mature and reasonable I am!

Killing time

2011-06-30T17:32:00.001-07:00

Just killing time at work tonight. Staying late for some overtime and it's dead. Finished my book and can't afford the next one in the series so I'm going to start reading the hobbit again. Sorry this is boring. Had another good food and exercise day today. I'm a little bit hungry now but no extra food left today. Oh well. It won't hurt me to be a little hungry.

Great

2011-06-30T04:11:00.001-07:00

I had a great day yesterday. I got up at 5 am and went to the gym and then walked the track. After that I had therapy and then went to work. I was just very upbeat the whole day. Must have been the endorphins. Now I'm up early to go to the gym again. Yay!

Donuts

2011-06-28T11:58:00.001-07:00

I really want a donut right now. But I also want to look really good when Jamie comes to visit me or when I see him next. I thought I was over him but I guess I'm not. We had a nice phone conversation last night. It's been over a year since we've seen each other and a good 9 months since we'd spoken on the phone. Most of the communication has been by Facebook. We still click and that is scary because I know he is going to find a girlfriend at some point and I'm afraid that might break me apart. But I don't want to end our friendship because I care for him very much. He is one of my best friends. Anyway, I guess anything that keeps me away from the donuts can't be all bad right?

Two of my favorite men

2011-06-27T07:54:00.001-07:00

My weekend was good. Food was good on Saturday. On the way there on Friday night we stopped at the olive garden. Sigh. I had 4 breadsticks. They are just so damn good. Oh well its in the past and as long as I'm getting it all off of my chest I had dinner with two of my favorite men last night. Ben and Jerry. I don't feel that bad about it. I got up this morning and walked a mile and all my food is planned out for the day and I'm WAY under calories. Hopefully I don't get hungry. Ok time for work. Toodles.

Freedom!!!

2011-06-24T12:57:00.001-07:00

I am free for the weekend. About a month ago I won a day off in a contest at work. A paid day off. I used the second half of it today and got out of work four hours early. I went home to feed my kitties and scoop the litter and now I'm waiting for my sister to get out of the bathroom and let me in. Then we are on our way to Maine for the weekend. I'm not too worried about the food up there. It's the food getting there that worries me. I'll just have to make the best choices that I can. Last night I wanted jr mints so I had a box. About 3 servings. 510 calories. I still came in under calories for the day. I can do this! I can eat moderately while on the road.
Anyway. To answer a question. If I did end up having the weight loss surgery I would definitely blog about it. I would probably need to to stay sane.

Ok off to Maine I go!

Doing alright

2011-06-23T07:37:00.001-07:00

I know it's been a while since I posted but I'm still doing well and probably will be posting a lot more now that I have this app on my phone. So when I weighed in on Sunday I had lost 3.6 lbs for a total of 8.6 lbs lost. Can't update the sidebar because I'm on my phone now. I've walked 5 of the last 6 days. I'm up to 3/4 of a mile. I've made an appointment with a bariatric surgeon for august. I haven't completely made up my mind on the gastric bypass but its a long involved process so I have plenty of time to think it through. Time to get to work.

Do I really need to?

2011-06-17T16:17:00.000-07:00

So the Intervention went fine. I said my piece, they said theirs. They basically want to be there to support me as I go on this journey. But they also want me to check into a hospital setting for a month for some program that will help jumpstart me and will have therapy and everything. It sounds great...in theory. Except I have a job that I really like and an apartment and my cats and bills. When I brought these things up I was told that I could go on medical leave from my job (and come back owing them money for health insurance). I was told that my cats would be taken care of and that they could help me with the financials. I just don't want to go. It is my decision but they want me to keep an open mind until I visit the doctor with my Cousin and we discuss the different avenues I could take. In the meantime I was going to take a walk today after work and all those people who said they would walk with me were busy. Ok Ok, I gave them like 5 minutes notice, but still. Anyway I ended up walking 1/2 a mile around a track. It was good. The food is going well. I had a large sub for lunch/dinner and my calories came out under for the day.

Intervention

2011-06-15T17:35:00.000-07:00

I got a voicemail today from my second cousin saying that she and my aunt and my other cousin and who only knows who else want to come to my house to talk to me about my physical health and my emotional health. That's right, they are staging an intervention. I told them that they aren't supposed to warn me, but they want me to be a willing participant. This is going to SUCK. I make wise cracks about how I'm freak show fat and stuff, but having to seriously look at my weight and my emotions with other people there looking at me just makes me feel really weirded out. So tomorrow I start my day with therapy and I end my day with an intervention. All with work in between. Man oh man what a day that is going to be. Also I am going to have to come home early from work to bust it out and clean my apartment because hey, if they think I'm emotionally unstable now....I can only imagine if they saw my apartment, they'd have me committed. Ok, not really but close enough.

Anyway, My diet is going well, haven't been walking this week, just can't find the motivation. I HATE EXERCISE.

Alas, A loss

2011-06-13T18:49:00.000-07:00

So I weighed in morning and I had lost 5 lbs. Not bad considering what I ate Saturday night. I didn't binge, but I made poor choices both for dinner and at the bridal shower. Again, not horrible, but not awesome either. I'm on track today though and feeling pretty good about it.

Something I'm not feeling good about is my brutal honesty. I have a close friend who has debilitating OCD. There is always something that is bothering his disorder. A week ago he was homeless and penniless in the phillippines having overstayed his visa with no place to go. I prayed really hard and God got him out of it, he got him to a safe country where he has a job and can support himself and where he has a big apartment all to himself so he can finally have privacy. I got a message today that he's thinking of ending things because the next door neighbors have a baby that cries a lot, especially before he goes to work and he just doesn't understand why God makes these things happen.

I told him to SUCK IT UP. It's really hard for me to be honest with my friends when I don't think they are going to take it well and I'm feeling particularly anxious about this. You know, because he talks about killing himself. But I needed to say it. I told him that he should be grateful for what he has and to buy earplugs or ask to change apartments but don't just sit there complaining and doing nothing. Maybe that makes me cold, but you have to understand that I've been listening to this same song for 2 YEARS.

Anyway, I've been drinking a lot of water with this diet and it's time for a trip to the toilet. Bye

Lonely

2011-06-11T08:03:00.000-07:00

Can you believe it? I've been on the wagon successfully for 5 days. Yesterday was a test for me. It was bagel day at work where we usually get Panera bagels and I usually make a pig out of myself and have 3 or 4 throughout the day. Thankfully God took it easy on me and they got us dunkin donuts bagels instead yesterday, which I'm not into so much. It was still a test day for me though because I had been preparing food all week and I didn't feel like it yesterday. So I brought some food to work with me and also purchased some food outside of work. Here is what it looks like.

Meal one. Large iced caramel swirl coffee w/ extra milk and a turkey sausage egg white flat bread sandwich.

Meal 2. hardboiled egg and a fat free yogurt

Meal 3. 6 inch subway club sandwich with light mayo and provolone cheese on wheat bread. baby carrots with 2 tbsp ranch dressing and green beans with a coke zero.

Meal 4. Hardboiled egg and 1 serving of animal crackers.

Snack. Medium movie popcorn w/ medium diet coke.

before the popcorn it was about 1500 calories. I'm trying really hard not to feel bad about the popcorn because it was a normal person portion size. Everything I ate yesterday was normal person portioned. I ate like a normal person yesterday and I'm trying really hard not to feel guilty. It's still a win for me personally, not bingeing for over 5 days now. I'm trying to be proud of myself, but it's hard. I also know it's only by the grace of God that I've been so successful.

I had another win last night. I took myself to the movies and saw Bridesmaids. I was not impressed and don't recommend paying 10 dollars to go see it. Anyway. I was really self conscious through the whole movie. While I was eating my popcorn I imagined everyone was watching the fat girl eat. Then my clothes don't fit properly so I had to keep pulling my shirt down and I took up 1 and a quarter seats. thankfully there were only people sitting on one side of me (btw, the girl was obnoxious, she was talking and texting the whole time ) I was just very uncomfortable mentally and physically with how big I am and being out in public. It wasn't a good feeling. And on my way home I was feeling blue and I realized I was feeling very lonely. I really have only a few friends, and none of them live close to me. Because I'm not pushing down my feelings with food, I get bombarded with them sometimes and last night was one of those times. So here comes the win part. I didn't eat over the feelings. Instead I reached out and called some people. Talked to my stepmother for about an hour. It was nice.

Today I've got a bridal shower to go to. I'm going to eat something before I go so that I don't totally pig out while I'm there.

How to keep my sheets on the damn bed

2011-06-07T18:37:00.000-07:00

I've got these sheets, and a mattress pad, really the only sheets and mattress pad I own, and I make my bed all nice and neat and then sleep in it and the next morning, the sheet and mattress pad are starting to come loose at the corners and shift sideways. Then by the next night they are mostly off and by the 3rd night they are all the way off. My bedroom is small and it's a Pain In The Touchas to remake my bed every 3rd day. Anyone have any suggestions? I thought about pinning the sheets but I think that would just tear them. Anyway, just my little rant for today, can you tell its day 3? Well actually it was day 3 two days ago and I just kep pushing my sheets over so that my side of the bed was covered. Uberr lazy I know.

So my food today was exactly the same as yesterday with the addition of some green beans to meal 3. I'm feeling pretty good about it. I went out for a walk and did 1 loop around the block like I did yesterday and by the end of it my legs and my back are hurting a lot. Then I have to sit down when I come home. I know it's baby steps, but I'm worried that when my BFF comes home to visit at the end of July, I won't be able to cavort with him and his fiancee, or at least not without taking frequent breaks which would get irritating for them. I will do my very best. I keep intending to go to the gym but then I just don't feel like it so I walk instead. At least I have the gym as an option when it's 98 degrees outside like it supposed to be tomorrow. Also I drank SO MUCH water today. I was in the bathroom like every 45 minutes, it was crazy, but healthy.

Really, I don't have that much going on in my life if I'm telling you about my bathroom habits. The most interesting thing that happened today is that a large mill caught on fire close to where I live and I tried to get close enough to see it but the traffic was terrible and then I decided that it was dangerous so I drove myself home. Yes, I'm a wild woman.

Back on the wagon....again

2011-06-06T18:14:00.000-07:00

I'm back, hopefully for good this time. I need to be posting here regularly. Maybe not every day, but definitely regularly in order to have some kind of accountability so here I am. I'm not going to lie, my life isn't very interesting, but I'll try to keep things lively. For example, did you know that I weigh 440 pounds. Gasp! It's TRUE. That's my highest weight ever and it means that I've gained 110 lbs in the last year. Not a sign that things are going well for me. I've been involved in some VERY dysfunctional relationships, one in particular that I don't feel like mentioning now but may mention in the future. I live with my 2 cats and I call my parents like every day beccause I have no friends. And there it is. I'm very lonely. I have family around, but no friends. My 2 best friends live across the world from me, though there is hope of seeing them again someday, it doesn't make for frequent conversations or visits. I thank God for church or else I'd never get out of the house except for work. I work for an oil company as a customer service representative. Which means that 99% of the time I'm being told that I'm Satan's handmaiden and the other 1% I'm being told we offer good service. Seriously people, the oil prices are HIGH. Deal with it! OK OK so we are the highest around, but I'm told it's because we offer better service, more technicians and overall better quality. All of our customer's get the red carpet treatment. And this is what I parrot to the customers day in and day out. It's a challenge, there are financial incentives which motivate me. I do a bit of everything, but my main job is retention.....which I HATE. It's like being constantly told that you aren't good enough. And let me tell you that people definitely make it personal. I got called the C word one time, it wasn't pretty. And to top it all off, I sit in a chair all day (that I don't fit in properly but it's the biggest chair they have) so my butt is spreading like butter.

Anyway....I am ashamed that I am as big as I am, as I have said many a time, I am freak show fat, which isn't nice to say about myself but it's how I feel. I can't even buckle some seatbelts. If I don't stop it now I'll be one of those people that you see on tv being unable to move from bed. If the contestants on the biggest loser can do it, so can I! Sans fancy gym and super trainers. I've lost lots of weight before and I can do it again. My plan is simple. 5 or 6 small healthy meals/snacks per day. and exercise (BLAH!) Here is what I did today.

Meal 1 - 1 hardboiled egg and a light banana yogurt.
Meal 2 - 1 hardboiled egg and a packet of cinnamon bun oatmeal
Meal 3 - 1/2 a breaded baked chicken breast, half a sweet potato and a handful of carrots
Meal 4 - 1/2 a breaded baked chicken breast and half a sweet potato
Meal 5 - 1 serving of animal crackers, an apple and a banana
Post exercise snack - 1 fudgecicle. no sugar added.

Exercise - Walk around the block. doesn't sound like much but it's strenuous when you weigh what I weigh.

Signing off for now.

try try again

2010-11-08T17:26:00.000-08:00

Picture me as a drill sergeant right now. What do you do when you fail? You try again and again and again and again until you don't fail, you pick yourself up out of that mud puddle private and you go again, go again, go again. You don't cry! (ok you do...a lot) You don't get down on yourself and give up for 2 weeks (oops, did that too) You just keep trying. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and try a -fricken -gain. And you will continue to do this until you get it right, and you will get it right because there is no failure, there is only death. That's right, this isn't a game, this is a life or death match and if you lose you die. Ok, so you are going to die eventually anyway, but if you give up and lose, then you die...sooner, much sooner. Because you are killing yourself. You want to die, you know you do, you are miserable like this, why wouldn't you want to die? In fact, you realized yesterday that the only reason you haven't killed yourself is because of how much you would hurt everyone in your life. But .... and I'm going to stop talking as if I'm telling myself off now... I believe in God. And I'm trying to believe that there is a reason for everything. That there is a reason for me and that I am a precious child and gift from God for this world. That we all are. And it's not like God suddenly just up and made a mistake when he made me. God doesn't make mistakes, so there must be a reason. And suddenly I realize I have a reason to live, I just don't know what it is right now. Yesterday was a rough day, a really rough day. I have them, and I'm not in counseling right now, but I'm working on getting back into counseling. I will get better, and I'm going to have more really rough days. I just have to remember that there is an exit door, there is a turn in the road, there is another side to this hill, I just have to get there. I don't want this to be a weight loss blog anymore, though I will still talk about that, I want this to be a life change blog. Because it's not just my weight that has to change, it's me. And I don't even know who I want to turn into yet. But it's going to be interesting to find out.

not even a little worth it

2010-10-28T17:29:00.000-07:00

I feel calm now. because I just took myself out to dinner and spent money i shouldn't have been spending and ate food I "shouldn't" have eaten. So my day went to plan food wise except for dinner.

meal 1: turkey sausage egg white flatbread sandwich
meal 2: pineapple greek yogurt
meal 3: healthy choice pasta dish
meal 4 leftover hummus (not a lot) triscuits and a banana
meal 5: side salad with blue cheese dressing, fettucini alfredo with chicken and a big piece of carrot cake.

Not even remotely worth it by the way, which I will try to remember the next time I face this kind of challenge which will be...um...tomorrow because I helped organize a big potluck halloween party that I'm not going to be able to partake in. But I'll feel better for not partaking, I know it. a plus today, I did get up and go walking for 20 minutes this morning, and boy did that suck, but I did it. Now off to make my halloween costume which is Purple Ladybug diva! yes I'll post pictures.

bearing down

2010-10-27T18:19:00.000-07:00

I can feel it breathing down my neck...payday....the desire to binge on all kinds of carbohydrates. All of it, everything. I could feel it today, just little pin pricks of desire for an extra cup of cereal or a donut on my way home. But it's never just one. it's 2 or 3 or 10 or a whole box. It's never just the one. And I feel tense wondering if I'm going to make it another day. It's been 3 days without bingeing. 3 WHOLE DAYS. 3 days of eating within calories. I haven't tracked but I can tell just from what I'm eating that it's way within calories. Today here is what I ate.

meal 1: smart ones egg ham and potato scramble breakfast
meal 2: 1 cup of reeses cereal
meal 3: hummus and triscuits with a banana. 25 triscuit thins and 7-8 oz hummus.
meal 4: ham and provolone with mustard on 9 grain bread
meal 5: hard boiled egg and 1 string cheese
night treat: sugar free chocolate putting. 1 snack pack.

I want to binge on a large cheese breadstick and chicken ceasar pocket and coke and cookies and brownies and donuts and whatever else I can get my hands on. No specific reason, just because I can, just because I have the money for it and also because of whatever deep down reasons I haven't broken through to yet. I'm still smoking and that's ok because I'll go on a rampage and just start killing people with my bare hands if I try to do everything at once. Tomorrow its off to the gym again. I can do this, I know I can. I've done it before. I just have to pray and buckle down and just do the next right thing. Please pray for me tomorrow, it's going to be a tough day.

Sleepy

2010-10-26T19:28:00.000-07:00

It's 10:19 at night while I write this. I got in from Chorus a little while ago and ate my snack and played some frontierville on facebook. My stomach is rumbling. Do you know how long it has been since I actually felt my stomach rumble? Quite a while, and I promise then it was quite by accident. not that this was on purpose. i thought I ate enough, but I guess I didn't. here is what I had today.

Mini meal 1 - 1 hard boiled egg and 1 packet of oatmeal
Mini meal 2 - 1 banana and 1 string cheese
Mini meal 3 - maybe 6-7 oz of artichoke and kalamata hummus with about 25 triscuit thins. and grapes.
Mini meal 4 - 1 cup of generic reese's puff cereal and a strawberry greek yogurt
Mini meal 5 - lean pocket
unexpected snack - 1 slice (a normal person size) of pumpkin bread
planned snack - 1 sugar free caramel pudding snack pack.

Yes I know that there is a suspicious lack of vegetable activity, but lets just take this one change at a time ok folks. Does that look like enough to you? I mean I guess it isn't because my stomach is rumbling, but that is still better than overeating. Anyway, enough thinking about food. I'm tired and I'm going to go to bed. Oh yeah, and I did get up early this morning and after I dilly dallied around for a bit I went to the gym. I did 16 minutes. 10 on the bike, 6 on the treadmill, and then I hurt. so I did one weight machine and my body told me to stop by giving me a headache. So I stopped, but next time I go, I'll try and add on a minute. One baby step at a time, that is the only way this is going to hapen. Goodnight.

Here's to bettering...a challenge

2010-10-25T17:44:00.000-07:00

Sigh, I've done what I said I wouldn't do. Forgive me please. I wandered away from my blog purposely because I wasn't doing anything. wasn't doing ANYTHING. I have been eating how I wanted, how much I wanted, not exercising, bingeing on a regular basis. I have no idea how much I weigh because my scale stopped weighing me at least two weeks ago, so I know I'm up above 385. Hoping against all hopes that it's not more than 5 pounds above.
So anyway, enough of the self flaggelation, I know I've done not good things, but those are in the past, those are yesterday. I'm feeling a renewed sense of purpose, of motivation. I went to the grocery store and spent $58.00 on low cal foods. Ok, not all the best fruits and veggies and all that stuff (though I did buy a salad that I just ate for dinner) But stuff to make sandwiches and frozen meals and healthy snacks. Stuff that will keep me from buying fast food crap that I have been eating. Or at least that's the plan. I'm also going to go to the gym tomorrow. Now I'm not going to go all insane and say that I'm going to do it every day. Right now I'm going to shoot for 3 times a week in the morning before work or on the weekends. Exercising is important physically and mentally. so 3 times a week and anything else is bonus.
Next up, I'm starting a challenge. The bettering yourself challenge. This challenge will go from November 1st until December 31st. That's two whole months. This isn't a weight loss challenge, though hopefully there will be weight loss involved for me. And for you too if you want. This is my Bettering Yourself Challenge. Here's how it will work. There are points. You get 1 point for each thing that you do to better yourself. Examples for me would be: Exercise 1 point, eating right 1 day = 1 point. Studying my bible 1 point, meditating 1 point, Going to Chorus, 1 point. cleaning 1 point. Praying 1 point. Therapy 1 point All of these things are things that are important on MY journey. You have to decide what's important on yours and award yourself points accordingly. Each day you will check in with me by e-mail or by comment with your points and what they are for. I will keep track. This is all honor based. So if you don't do it, then don't give yourself a point. And be honest with yourself, what things are you doing that are really bettering yourself? Each day I will check in with my points and what they are for by posting. At the end, whoever has the most points will win. And there WILL be a PRIZE. I'm not telling what it is yet because that adds suspense. And because I don't know. But it'll be pretty good. And yes, my friends across the ocean can join in too. Let's go for the gold folks. (no the prize won't be gold)

AWOL

2010-10-07T16:53:00.000-07:00

I've gone AWOL.. My eating is out of control and I haven't posted here and I've been working ALOT. But here is what I was thinking tonight. What if it was ok for me to be fat. Not unhealthy, but fat. What if that was beautiful. What if I could feel secure that my friends and family would love me no matter what. What if I wasn't afraid that they would look at me and be disgusted. What if I wasn't disgusted when I looked in the mirror. What if I didn't beat myself up over everything I put into my mouth. Because seriously, I can't remember when I didn't do that, even when I was younger. I have always beat myself up over what I eat and what I weigh and I've always been afraid to be rejected because of it. To be unloved, and to have people be repulsed by me. Thats a really bad place to hang out. A really bad place. And really I think i really just want to get to a place where I'm ok being me, fat or thin. And I want to love me no matter what and I want to be sure that my friends and family feel that way as well. So right now I'm not pledging to lose weight. I'm pledging to love myself the best I can. I hope that you all can join me in that.

Soul food

2010-09-21T18:52:00.000-07:00

I have just come home from my first practice with the Cumberland-Lincoln Community Choir and I LOVED IT. Singing like that makes my soul happy and I can't believe that I went without it for so long. Sure I sang Karaoke in Korea, I even did it very well a lot of the time. And I liked it. But this...this is it, this is like balm for my heart. This is like the best food you have ever tasted multiplied by millions. This is awesome!. Truly Awesome in the most literal sense of the word and I just have to say that if you ever find anything that makes your soul happy, that makes your heart glow, don't let it go ever ever EVER. It's God's gift to you. Thank you God.

I forgive you

2010-09-20T17:35:00.000-07:00

Dear Lauren,

You've had a lot going on lately. In the past 8 months you've changed jobs several times, had to move from one country to another (quite a distance away from one another btw), are battling severe depression and anxiety as well as trying to deal with a definite diagnosis of Borderline Personality disorder. Started therapy with someone new, increased your medication, lived with your parents, moved to your Great Aunt's house temporarily, worked at your father's company, moved into your own place, started going to church and doing bible studies, found a new job and are doing well there with people that you like and Quit smoking....mostly. Now you are going to be joining a community choir (yay you! I know how much singing adds to your life), working as much overtime as they can throw at you and you need to start thinking about moving into your Aunt's apartment now that she is in the nursing home and they are looking to fill it. Thats a lot of changes...big ones. Add to that that you only have a few friends in the united states, none of which live within an hour of you and that two of your best friends (one of whom you have unrequited feelings for) live overseas. It hasn't been easy for you, I'm not going to lie, nor am I going to pretend that you have it worse than everyone else, that would just be a pity party for one. But I am going to forgive you for not being perfect. For not having it all figured out. For not keeping your apartment very clean or neat and for not exercising and for not always being great on the food. I forgive you. I love you and I demand that you stop being so hard on yourself and start trying to love yourself and be easy on you ok? It's enough that you are trying. You don't have to be perfect and you don't have to succeed. And I bet you'll find that once you start loving yourself more, life will be a lot easier.

Love Always,
Lauren

I'm most vulnerable when...

2010-09-19T16:52:00.000-07:00

So here is the thing. With my work and the possible overtime and the two bible studies I'm doing, one intensive, one not so much and the exercise I want to do and the house cleaning and the choir I want to join and the life I want to start living.....I might not blog as much as I'd like to. Which means instead of feeling guilty for not blogging every day, I won't have to feel guilty about it because I've told you guys now and I'll still read your blogs when I have time and I'll still be working on me. I just wanted to get that out of the way.

I'm most vulnerable when I'm tired. Emotionally and physically exhausted like I was earlier today. I didn't sleep well last night and had a small headache when I went to church this morning and cried a little in my First Place 4 health church group when I admitted that I have trouble trusting God. And felt really full and happy and blessed during singing time at church. And all of that just drained me so that I was paying attention for the rest of church but at the same time I just felt wrung out, you know, like you do after a really good cry? And I was most vulnerable at that point and the food got me. Satan waited for my weakest point and he attacked. I had 2 good days last week and I wrote down my food every day in my food journal, though I didn't track it online, and I exercised one day and I've got a lot of stuff going on. It's all stuff that will ultimately improve my life, but it's a lot and I just have to learn to deal with it all. I know I can't do it alone though. I need God and I need the support that I find here. So I'm going to pray for the willingness to be willing and I'll do my best to offer support at your blogs too. Thanks.

busy girl

2010-09-17T17:49:00.001-07:00

I haven't written in a few days. It's not because I'm off on a binge, though I have been less than careful with my food yesterday and today. I swear it's not that. I'm just very busy. I work tomorrow and have a friend coming to visit, but I promise I'll write more on Sunday.

spinning and spinning

2010-09-15T17:50:00.000-07:00

I didn't work out today, but I did stay well within my calories and therefore I am a sucess. I clearly have a lot going on right now with even more around the corner but I have an idea worming it's way around in my brain about making myself a schedule. I'll figure that out later.

I daydream a lot. especially about what it will be like when I've lost all the weight that I want to lose. What my first interaction will be with my best friend and with the one that I love who just wants to be friends. I was daydreaming about that today, about what it would be like to surprise them by being at my goal weight the next time I see them (at least a year) and this is what I imagined, this is what I want, I want them to be so proud of me and to hug me and lift me off the ground and spin me around. This image makes me feel good and so I'm going to find a way to print this image and carry it around with me so that when I want to eat, or when I feel sad and want to turn to cigarettes or when I don't feel like working out, I can remind myself.

a brief peek at the inside of my brain

2010-09-13T16:41:00.000-07:00

this is what I just sent a friend of mine from church "I can't stop eating. I'm turning my back on God and my support and I can't stop. I'm lonely. My best friends live overseas and I miss them and I miss the adventure of living overseas even though I was miserable in a totally codependant relationship with one of my bf's I'm lonely and I feel trapped, financially and physically and emotionally trapped. sorry to vent, but that's how I'm feeling" then I saw her on facebook and added a bunch of stuff.

Oh..and I have mice in my apartment too, it wasn't just a one time deal, I saw another one in my kitchen tonight.

I WILL write more tomorrow.

two steps forward, two steps back, do the shuffle!

2010-09-11T11:39:00.000-07:00

So, as you all remember. I was doing great on Tuesday and Wednesday. Then thursday came, and I ate some cheeseballs with lunch in anticipation of going out to dinner. YEAH, I know that makes no sense. it was kind of like "I might be going out to dinner where I know I'm not going to control myself so I might as well eat these stale cheese balls too" So anyway, I ate the cheeseballs, and didn't track that day and that night I went and got my hair cut.

Then after I got my hair cut I was feeling pretty happy and good and I did a little shopping at walmart for hair styling paraphenelia (sp?) then I took myself out to dinner where I had Mozzarella sticks (8) a big salad with chicken, cheese and blue cheese dressing and then carrot cake. mmm, carrot cake. Also it was payday and I got my period which is always a big surprise. Then yesterday I started out ok. It was bagel day at work and I went and made my coffee at work (didn't buy one) and had a bagel and cream cheese. Wrote it down, no big deal. ate 1 serving of cheez its for a morning snack, counted them out and everything. Again, no big deal. Then by lunch time came and I didn't really have a plan laid out. I have been trying to reach the local Psychiatric hospital for their outpatient services and have only been playing phone tag. So today I get a message from them saying they don't offer therapy. WHAT!?! you are a psychiatric hospital and you don't offer therapy, what kind of crap is that? So I was super irritable and frustrated and I went to subway and got a large subway club with mayonnaise and cheese and a bag of chips and stopped to get a large coffee with cream. Then I begged a cigarette off of someone. It's ok, don't worry, I'm still not smoking regularly. Averaging one cigarette a week so I still consider myself having quit. Ok, so I was derailed at that point, then after work I went and I got Taco bell. So that's been the last two days of my life.

On another note. Last night around 2:30 in the morning I woke up feeling something walking on my chest, though it was a bug, hit it, turned on the light. IT WAS A MOUSE! Ick. I must have stunned it, I brought it outside. Having cats didn't deter the little bugger at all. Guess it's because my cats are weenies.

I couldn't write like this, but I feel this way!

2010-09-08T16:09:00.001-07:00

I would like all of you to go to Miss Britt's Blog and read what she has to say on the subject. It's thought provoking to be sure.

the bar that I set

2010-09-08T16:03:00.000-07:00

I did well today. I came in just under (3 under) my normal days calories, and on top of that I burned 403 calories at the gym this morning (More actually, but I'm only tracking the calories I burn with cardio, the weights are like a bonus) Yeah, I got up at 4:30 this morning and got my butt to the gym. Awesome, no? Yes, I agree, that was awesome, and I am mighty proud of myself for that (and thank you God for making it possible) Yesterday was spectacular calorie wise, and I think in my head I set the bar at that level. Well today I ate 500 more calories and was still within my daily calories but not even near that bar. I think that today's performance calorically is the more realistic version. Especially if I get up at the crack of still dark outside and go to the gym. Yeah it was still dark when I drove there and I don't like driving in the dark but I did it anyway, Yay me!

I got in 20 minutes of bike time this morning, I was sweaty by the end, not gross you out sweaty, but damp for sure, but my heart wasn't pounding. I didn't do any elliptical or anything because my ankle still hurts from yesterday and I felt it was best to go way low impact. Elliptical gets my heart pounding, but the bike doesn't really. I can definitely feel the workout in my legs though. So maybe that is all that matters for now being as heavy as I am. What do you think, am I letting myself off too easy, should I be doing interval training where I'm really pushing it for a minute or two then have a few minutes to go at a regular pace, then do it all over again. Should I be doing that at this point in my exercise regime? I just don't know.

Holy mood swings

2010-09-07T16:38:00.000-07:00

Hey....so....first of all, I only ate 1635 calories today. What? you are saying. I know. I ate like 3 mini meals (3-400 calories) and then 2 snacks, one just under 2 hundred and one just over. And so far I'm satisfied. And if that weren't enough, I went to the gym too, for the first time in forever. I did 2 min on the elliptical, 20 minutes (broken in half) on the stationary bike and 5 minutes on the treadmill ( going to avoid that in the future, it hurts my knee) and then I did some leg and ab machines until I brought my foot down wrong and twisted my ankle and decided to go home. Anyway, the cardio burned 498 calories according to myfitnesspal.com. So, whooo, it was a pretty good day.

So onto other stuff. I'm on my way home from the gym feeling pretty upbeat and smiley (from the endorphins dontcha know) and listening to music and thinking forward to the future when I might move back to Korea (in a few years when I get my head straightened out) and maybe Jamie (long drama filled story, love of my life) would be there too and I'd be all thin and my head would be all straightened out and he'd realize that not only am I a great best friend, but he can't live without me and wants to marry me and have babies. So this fantasy is working its way through my head when suddenly it switches to the negative. Why we aren't together now. The truth is, I believe it's because he didn't trust me not to be crazy, and I didn't trust him to love me. Ultimately making it my fault. See, because of my weight and my issues with my childhood, I don't trust people who say that they love me, I don't trust them to actually be able to love me, warts and all, and because I don't trust them I get all needy and clingy and crazy. So because I did that, he didn't trust me not to be crazy, thus making it all my fault that we aren't together. Yeah, this happened in the space of about 30 seconds (btw, it's a wonder I can drive anywhere at all with my thoughts all over the place like that) I went from smiling because firemen are awesome life saving people ( I saw some in front of the fire station and hey, endorphins) to crying in my car driving down the road. My goodness I'm mental. I guess that's why I'm in therapy and on medication. Just gotta take it one day at a time.

But hey....Whoo I didn't eat over this small breakdown.

Whoa!

2010-09-06T05:40:00.000-07:00

Ok, big unexpected loss today. 3.4 lbs. The lord is working in my life for sure. Because I DEFINITELY didn't have anything to do with it. However I am pleased and looking forward to keeping it on track with His help for the next week.

I want HER to be my weight loss guru

2010-09-05T16:00:00.000-07:00

Go ahead, I dare you! Go check out 263 and counting and don't feel awe inspired. Betcha can't do it!

Hangs head.....whimpers

2010-09-05T14:04:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I just took photos of me and posted them as starting photos and honestly, I'm HUGE. I'm like a house, seriously. Not so much from the side (though still condo like ) but from the front I'm like a friggen mack truck. I honestly can't believe I even posted those photos on the internet.

Onto other news. Not much to say. I've been avoiding my blog because I've been eating like, non stop. But today has been good. I've prayed to God to save me from myself and to handle my food today and he's doing it. I just need to remember to turn it over to him every day and actually trust him to handle it and try to live the way he wants me to. It's hard, but not impossible. Actually, being that I'm born a sinner it actually is impossible for me to do it alone. I even need his help to live in the way he wants me to. Heck, I need his help for everything ok, I admit it. I'm powerless over EVERYTHING. And this troubles me, but I need to suck it up and ask for help every day. Every day is going to be a struggle, but over time it will get easier. I just know it.

So, I just spent the last 4 hours futzing over my blog trying to find a new template, screwing it up and just going with one of the basic ones they have on the blogger site and just rearranging and putting it all together and...I like it. Purple is my favorite color after all. And I joined HYC, Healthy You Challenge. Over there on the right, check it out. It's not a binding agreement or anything, it's just a group of people who support each other in becoming healthier, physically and mentally.

I've been tagged

2010-09-05T10:47:00.000-07:00

I've been tagged by http://toosexy4thisfat.blogspot.com/ to answer these questions. Then I will tag 8 of YOU to answer my 8 questions. Have fun.

1. What's your favorite Dr. Suess book? Oh! the places you'll go.

2. What's the best Halloween costume you've ever worn? I was a freaky clown about 6 years ago.

3. If you could "live" in any TV town and be friends with all the characters in the cast, which TV show would it be? Chuck

4. Do you believe in ghosts/the supernatural? Yes I do

5. Which would be easier, to live without music or to live without TV? Wait? Even like, tv shows on the internet? Oh I don't know. I guess easier to live without TV.

6. Yogi Bear or Winnie the Pooh? Winnie the Pooh all the way.

7. Bigger turn off, bad breath or body odor? Body odor

8. Would you rather cook for someone or have someone cook for you? I love cooking for other people. It makes me happy.

Here is my list of questions.

1. Name a famous person living or dead that you want to meet.

2. What is your favorite piece of clothing and why?

3. What is your biggest goal?

4. What is your number 1 reason for wanting to reach your goal in #3.

5. What is your favorite book?

6. What is your favorite slow cooker recipe (please include the recipe and cooking instructions)

7. C'mon everyone has a secret (or not so secret) celebrity crush. Who is yours?

8. Who is the biggest comfort in your life?

I'll be tagging in the comments to these people.

1. A daunting tale of scale warfare.
2. Bottomless
3. Finding my inner, thinner person.
4. Juli's Journey
5. Scale Junkie
6. This Time
7. Today is a good day to diet
8. Journeying to lose 200 lbs

I'm not a perfectionist...

2010-08-31T15:40:00.000-07:00

I just have to do everything right.   No, but seriously, this is bad. This is a bad bad issue that I have to deal with or it's going to kill me. See, if I don't or can't do something all the time or enough or perfectly (all bar heights set by me, btw) then I don't do it at all. Some real life examples:

If I can't exercise at least 5 times a week, then I don't go at all.
If my whole apartment can't be clean all the time, then I won't clean it at all. I'll live in squalor til I just can't stand it anymore, then I just clean enough for it to not be squalor anymore.
If I'm not completely proficient at my job ON THE FIRST DAY, then I'm an idiot and I'm never going to be good enough.
If I can't study every single day, then I don't study at all.
If I can't eat perfectly all day, I might as well throw it all into the wind ( a common affliction, I know)
If I can't be the perfect grand niece who visits the home 3 times a week, then what's the point of going at all. (which leads to so much guilt so that when I DO go, I can't even enjoy the visit.)

Do you know where this leaves me? It leaves me doing NOTHING. I lay around all the time and do nothing. Which leaves me feeling like a failure and depressed and further incapacitates me and I end up eating because I feel bad about myself which makes me feel worse.   It leaves me stressed and feeling awful so that I eat too many cheezy poofs at lunch and bagel thins where there weren't any planned (BTW, Bagels are from here on out a big no no)   It's just all kinds of bad, and I really hope that I can find a new therapist soon so that I can start getting to the bottom of this junk because it's going to kill me otherwise.

Oh, and in case you couldn't tell.   Food didn't go so well today.

cunning, baffling and evil.

2010-08-30T15:57:00.000-07:00

That's what this disease is. Cunning, baffling and evil. I'm eating even now as I type. Food I didn't plan for, food that is going to put me a good 500 over calories for the day. And I just don't know why.

caramel sauce is evil or..how I did today

2010-08-30T15:06:00.000-07:00

So a few weeks ago I bought some caramel syrup to use in my coffee for my own version of the dunkin donuts caramel swirl iced coffee effect. It wasn't that great, but I persevered for a little while until I decided to give up on the concept and just go with flavored creamer and splenda, which works well for me. However, the caramel sauce was just sitting in the fridge until I got the brilliant idea to put it on 94% fat free popcorn and um num num it was delicious. So I had planned for a bag of the popcorn with my soup at lunch and it turned into a bag and a half with the caramel. Thank goodness I had under planned for my calories today so I had some to spare and am covered for todays shenanigans.

In other news, I lost 1.3 lbs. Or at least that, considering I was over the weight limit of 385 before. I'm now at 383.7lbs which after the weekend I had is a total gift from heaven. I sure didn't earn it. I weighed and charted today, but I think I'm going to change my weigh in day from Monday to Friday. It honestly just gives me more time to get over the sins of the weekend if there are any. Though of course, the goal is to not have any of those at all. Anyway, I'm off to change the cat litter then have dinner.

update

2010-08-29T15:51:00.001-07:00

Just for an update. Before I could reach him, he sent me a message saying how sorry he was for what he wrote to me and how it was completely out of line and how his problems weren't my fault. Then I apologized for telling him to f@$# off so many times in just a few messages and things are ok now.

I didn't fall, I jumped

2010-08-29T10:29:00.000-07:00

I didn't fall off the wagon yesterday, I made a conscious decision. I jumped. I wasn't the only one drinking wine and having seconds at my moms house last night, but I'm the only one who got shitfaced and sent angry messages out to her best friend over facebook. To be fair he started it by saying that he wished he'd never left the philippines and he wishes I never paid for him to go home because he'd be having an easier time living in a poisonous relationship with a women who steals his money and physically and verbally abuses him, then he is having living at home with his parents because his OCD has been really bad and he is having trouble hiding it from them. It's really important for him to hide his condition from people and have people believe that everything is all right. The only one he talks to about it is me. So he didn't say it in those exact words. What he said was that he wishes I'd never given him that money to be able to go home because it would be easier for him now. Which caused me to spew anger and venom all over him because I'm angry that he doesn't love me and I'm angry because he doesn't seem to be doing anything to help himself and he seems to be blaming ME for giving him another option other than being trapped in the philippines.. He could have said no. It was his choice dammit! Ok, sorry to spew that out on you. I'm feeling guilty now because I can't get ahold of him to apologize for going over the edge like I did. ....breathe...

Anyway, so I jumped off the wagon and drank and ate and even smoked a few cigarettes. I did in fact go to church this morning. I was laying in bed and wasn't going to go at all when something (um, the holy spirit much?)told me I needed to be at church, so I went and I sang and I listened to the sermon and it was like the pastor was rooting around in my head when he wrote it. It was all about repenting and repeat sinning and feeling like you are outside the realm of God's forgiveness and how to get back on the in with God and Jesus. I really needed to hear it today. So I'm glad I went. After church I went and had an emotionally numbing, wallet emptying meal at Applebees and now I'm home and ready for a nap. I'll show you guys my new hair first. In the sun, it looks like my head is on fire.

sorry for the misunderstanding.

2010-08-28T11:03:00.000-07:00

When I said 1800 calorie stumble, I meant that I was 1800 calories over my allottment of 2,140 calories for the day. Yes, I know that seems like a lot of calories to be allotted, but you have to take into consideration that I weigh even more than the average fat girl. Anyway, just wanted to make that clear.

1800 calorie stumble

2010-08-28T08:23:00.000-07:00

So....yeah I didn't resist the chips. I ate most of the bag last night and finished them for breakfast, at a little over half the dip. It seems funny to say I took an 1800 calorie stumble, but that's what it was. I tracked it on my fitness pal, as I did the chips this morning (there wasn't that much left so it doesn't blow away the day and I tossed the rest of the dip from last night) I'm not going to feel ashamed of myself for this, I'm not going to beat myself up. That was last night and this is now. I can make a totally different choice going further. I'm going to pray for strength.

Feeling lazy today, but have stuff to do. sigh. Wish I could just stay in bed all day and read, but I can't, well I could, but then nothing would get done, so maybe just stay in bed reading just a bit longer, then up and at em! Here is to keeping busy! and not beating up on myself!

Oh and some good news. As of this morning, I saw a number on the scale again.!

holding tight with one finger

2010-08-27T16:08:00.000-07:00

Struggling today, really struggling. You see, Friday is another trigger day, in fact the whole weekend has been traditionally difficult for me. I went to walmart after work to get a few things and ended up in the potato chip aisle. I bought chips and dip. I haven't eaten it though. I can't promise I won't eat it, but I haven't eaten it yet.

They are rushing the training at work. We are going to be on the phones on Monday and none of us are even close to ready, so we'll see what happens.

I had a weird run in with my aunt in the chip aisle of walmart. She seemed to react oddly to seeing me there, almost a little cold. though this is quite probably my imagination.

Because I'm not stuffing my feelings down, I'm feeling excessively paranoid and needy and PISSED. I'm so pissed. My little lauren is throwing a fit of massive proportions. I was extra irritable at work the last few days and I'm being clingy and needy with Jamie and I'm super paranoid about what people are thinking or doing. It's not good. I'm feeling really insecure and so I keep seeking reassurance from Jamie who quite frankly has enough of his own problems. Add onto it that I'm jealous and angry that he doesn't love me like I want him to when we would be so friggen perfect together. And I'm angry that God made me fall in love with someone who once again wouldn't be able to love me back the same way. I mean, he loves me, but not in the lets get married and have babies way. So I'm exceedingly pissed about this and I'm not eating over it. I had a few iffy moments today where I could have made better choices. Like for breakfast I had a bagel with 1 tbsp of cream cheese at work instead of the yogurt and cereal I had planned. (I always forget Friday is bagel day at work) And at lunch I had a full bag of the 94% fat free popcorn instead of a half a bag and I drizzled caramel sauce over it (OMG, SO GOOD AND SO WORTH THE CALORIES, ONLY 100 FOR 2 TBSP) Anyway, I didn't really eat a lot today, so I was hungry when I got to Walmart. I broke the first cardinal rule of eating well. DON'T SHOP WHEN HUNGRY! But I made it home and I had a bowl of cereal with milk and so far I'm under calories by 150. not doing too badly. But feeling like crap.

My inner child likes payday.

2010-08-26T15:49:00.000-07:00

I got paid today. Most of my paycheck is already gone because I have to pay rent this week and also I had "borrowed" some money from my insurance test fund and had to pay it back. After paying to fill up my gas tank, I have about 29 dollars left. Which should be plenty so long as I don't waste my money on takeout and dunkin donuts.

I've always had a problem with payday. Not the candy bar, I'm not much fussed about peanuts, but about the day when I get a paycheck. It's like, I get some money in my pocket, even if I know it needs to go somewhere else, and I immediately want to binge. Like I'm treating myself. And I know this has its roots in my childhood when I had to steal food and money for my binges and had to do it all in secret because there was no way I'd have PERMISSION to eat half the food in the house. Also when I was a kid, Payday was the day we'd get to have pizza or Mcdonalds or whatever for dinner. So it's something I got used to I guess. But it's also about freedom for me. It's like the child inside my head is saying "Ha!!! I've got my own money now and can use it on whatever I want and can eat as much as I want and I don't have to feel guilty because it's MINE" That child doesn't think of the consequences. Not to my body or my emotional well being or my wallet or my landlord. She doesn't think of these things, all she sees is money for bingeing to feel good. She doesn't even realize that it doesn't make her feel good.

See, Adult Lauren recognizes that now, after just two days of not bingeing and staying within or within a few hundred anyway of calories and after 2 weeks of smoking, that she feels better. Lighter emotionally and cleaner physically. Even without exercising right now she feels better and she likes it and she feels proud of herself and she likes that too. Little Lauren wants what she wants when she wants it. I'm hoping that this is the start of a new regime where Adult Lauren has the controls, at least most of the time.

Now, before you get worried, I don't have split personalities, I'm just aware of the little person inside of my head that never really grew up. I am working on Little Lauren issues with my therapist because unfortunately, up to this point, she's kind of run the show.

Anyway....today was payday, but I did not binge. I went over my calories today by 300, but I did not binge and I ate food I had at home except for breakfast. Actually breakfast is where those extra calories came in. I ordered a turkey sausage flatbread sandwich from Dunkin donuts and they gave me a veggie one instead so I went back and they fixed it but didn't want the original back and of course I couldn't just throw it away. So, it wasn't like I was eating candy or anything. I'm pretty proud of myself for today because I definitely wanted to binge after work, but I didn't. YAY ME!

somebody jacked my pants!

2010-08-25T17:37:00.000-07:00

I called Fashion bug about the order they placed for me after the old pants didn't fit. It has been almost 2 weeks since then and they should have been here by now. According to them, UPS delivered to the back door on 8/18, a full week ago. Well they didn't, at least not to me, or not that I got them. I suspect they either delivered them to the wrong address or that SOMEBODY JACKED MY PANTS DAMMIT. Anyway, it's not TOO big a deal because they said that if I checked thoroughly and they weren't anywhere around, they would ship them again, only this time to the store, which is fine with me. So I did, and they weren't, so they did. and that's that.

So, the past few days have been rough food wise. I've just been eating everything under the sun. Then yesterday afternoon I just suddenly felt clear headed. I went to the store, bought some frozen meals and ice cream, ate them last night and had a plan to count calories. God has made it clear to me that this course of action will work. I've clearly really been struggling and I've been praying and this feels good. I went to two different sites. Mydailyplate.com and Myfitnesspal.com And mydailyplate said I could consume 3000 calories a day and still lose 2 lbs a week. That seems a little nuts. the other one, myfitnesspal brought it in at around 2,140 calories, which seems normal to me. Despite what the daily plate said this morning, I was going to shoot for a range of 2200 to 2500. I came in just under 2.140 calories today, so it worked out. Also My fitness pal is pretty easy to use and has lots of food in its database and has some fun stuff like badges and trackers that you can use. I'm recommending it.
I went over to sparkpeople and honestly I felt like it was really jam packed with stuff. Too jam packed and fussy for me. Also the last time I had used that, it had my weight as being 284, so my daily range for calories was between 1500 and 1700 and I couldn't find where to change that, so it was way too much effort on my part to use it. (also it was super depressing to see where I was not that long ago compared with where I am now)
I stepped on the scale this morning and briefly saw a 284.7 but then it went back to ERR, so I'm just going to wait until next Monday to try again. I'm feeling very positive about this change. I've even got tomorrows food planned out. Yay for me being organized. whoot whoot. Work is going well, but boring, very boring. They say they want to get us on the phones as soon as possible, probably the beginning of next week. So while I'm bored now, I'm a bit nervous about just being thrown in like that too. I guess I just can't win in that regard.

My goals for the rest of the month are to keep not smoking (YAY) to study every day for my insurance exam, at least for a little while. To track calories and to drink more water. Totally doable!

The shame of ERR

2010-08-22T09:52:00.000-07:00

ERR. That's what I saw when I stepped on my scale this morning. ERR for Error meaning you are too fat to be weighed by this scale at this point in time. This is a super scale too. A weight watchers scale that hits high numbers. I'm guessing the limit must be 385 because when I looked online at the same model it said the limit was 380, but obviously from previous weighs it goes above that. I honestly hate myself so much right now and subsequently want to go eat out my kitchen. I feel desperate and sad and don't know what it's going to take before I'm really motivated to change my life. For breakfast yesterday I had 2 mcdonald's breakfast sandwiches, a hash brown and 4 donuts. That's obscene. I've entered beat up on myself mode as you can tell. I wish I had never tried to weigh myself this morning. I thought, Oh, I'll change my weigh in to Sunday. But now that seems like a bad plan. Of course, maybe weighing in right after I'd eaten a big bowl of cereal with milk wasn't the best idea. Ok, Ok. yes I had previously decided not to buy cereal. But it's cheap and a quick alternative for dinner if I go to the gym after work which I am thinking of doing.

Sigh. Feeling pretty low right now.

What are MY reasons?

2010-08-21T05:57:00.000-07:00

I was going to write this post, but I just couldn't. See if I'm writing on my blog about weight loss, I can't be bingeing at the same time. So once again, the binge came before what was better for me. But I'm here now, so lets get to it.
I want to write about my reasons for doing this, for changing my life because I don't think I've ever sat down and really thought about it except in the abstract before. So I'm going to solidify some reasons. They may not be the reasons other people might think I should have, or the "right" reasons. My priorities might be skewed (I've never had to spell that word before, is that right?) Anyway. my point is, they are my reasons, and I need to focus on them or I will never be able to change my life at all. So here we go.

1. I want to look hot. To break that down further, I want to be able to look in my full length mirror without feeling disgust, I want believe that when someone is looking at me, they aren't looking at me with disgust(this one has it's root in mental issues that will also have to be dealt with). If someone that I'm interested in turns me down, I want to not beat myself up about being too fat for that person and I don't want to think that if I was thinner they might have been interested.

2. I want to love myself and trust that other people could love me. Again, this isn't all about losing weight, it's about changing my life and clearly this one is rooted in mental issues. Hell, they almost all are.

3. I want to be proud of myself. Including, living in a clean apartment, eating right and exercising (not eating like a sparrow or exercising 3 hours a day every day, but eating in moderation and exercising the same way) Doing well at my job.

4. I want to be financially independent. No longer wasting money on binges or things I don't need. No longer having to borrow money from Dad. Having my own vehicle which I can afford the insurance on. Paying off my credit card debt. Putting some money into saving so that if there was an emergency, we would be ok.

5. I want to have good hygiene. Not that I don't now, but without going into gory details, when you weigh 380 lbs, it's hard to keep yourself properly clean. It takes a lot of effort.

6. I want to not be afraid. Everywhere I go and everything I do, I'm afraid. I'm afraid that there won't be clothes big enough for me in the store, and often there aren't. Even some of the big girl stores don't carry my size in pants. I'm afraid to sit down because I'm afraid that I'll either not fit in the chair or I'll break it. I'm afraid to go get a haircut because I don't think I'll fit in the chair at the hairdressers. I don't want to be afraid anymore.

7. I want to breathe. I can't breathe properly, especially at night. I have sleep apnea, but I can't get it treated due to lack of health insurance, so if I accidentally roll on my back, I wake up with headaches because of lack of oxygen in the night. I'm really curious to see what I would be like on a full nights proper sleep with full oxygen and not coming out of deep sleep because I can't breathe.

So those are my reasons. What are yours?

and .....BREATHE

2010-08-19T17:48:00.000-07:00

So a few weeks ago I had a divine intervention where God basically told me to join OA by putting me on one of their e-mail loops again when I had quit the e-mail loop over a year ago. Makes sense? No? Oh well. Anyway, so I responded to two e-mails from the loop and talk to a woman about being my sponsor and promptly dropped it. Why? Because I'm self destructive, that's why. Because just when things are looking up, I do something to turn it to look down again. Still working on it though, that's why I'm here. But anyway, the woman who I talked to about being my sponsor was worried after not hearing from me and asked what was going on in my life. This is what I told her.

"Everything is just overwhelming. I just started a new job 10 days ago and quit smoking the same day and My food and my spending on food is out of control and my apartment is disgusting and I'm trying to study for this test so that I can get licensed to sell insurance as a second job. I'm driving my 88 year old Aunt's van. Thank God that was available or I'd be in real trouble because I can't afford a car or insurance. I'm 13,000 dollars in debt and on a payment plan where I pay 278 dollars a month. I'm trying to have a relationship with God and I'm lonely because I just moved back from Korea a few months ago and I don't have any friends left around here. My best friends live across the world. I have to borrow money from my father because I can't make ends meet because I'm spending the money to binge and if I got sick or my cats got sick I would be completely screwed. So that's whats going on and under all of that is the underlying crap that I'm trying to deal with in therapy except I need to change therapists now because I've been going to an urgent care clinic for my therapy and psychiatry and the therapist that I started to bond with has a private practice that I could go to, except that my new work schedule won't allow for it. So I have to find someone new and start bonding with them and I'm supposed to do this group because I have borderline personality disorder and little to no coping skills. Oh and I'm battling depression and anxiety at every turn. And I don't have health insurance until December. Well, I have it for this month, but as of August 31st it's done and then I get it again in December. So that is my life and that is why I eat and then when I eat I feel even worse. Oh and I feel guilty for my house being disgusting and for overeating junk and for not exercising."

Holy crap thats a lot of stuff to be holding on to. Will try again tomorrow.